Romero the Zombie King

And so the world loses another creative force who gave we horror fiends, and movie fans in general, so much bloody good time (and I do mean BLOODY). A true icon, the king of gore leading the undead into shopping malls to terrorize and wreak havoc. If it wasn't for George, zombies in todays cinema would be very different, even if they existed at all, and I doubt there would be many willing to argue against that

Rest easy sir, thanks for the nightmares.

Fishing for Hollywood

Stranger things happen of course, afterall we inhabit a planet filled with miracles and disaster, so it wouldn't surprise me to learn that some sharp suited movie Joe with a fondness for the marching powder buzzed by this old blog of mine from time to time. Hell if nothing else, the hunger of their egos would make this a nailed on certainty. More nailed than a whale God with rare jewels for eyeballs, and bones crafted the calcified souls of super architects but let us get back to earth. Im straying too far from this post.
Can I just say, nay plead with the remains of a quickly greying youth to not be tricked into believing that a reboot/remake of American Ninja, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, They Live and Commando would be good idea. They won't, and you can take that to your overstuffed Century City banks (which if not careful will be remembered for the dosh they made rather than its art). Which would be a shame because while financial reward is itself very nice nothing will dim the glow of producing great work, be it movies, books or music.
Remakes might sound like goof idea, we all remember the glory glory years of the 1980s where it seemed most films were touched by gold but while we know a remake of something like Jaws would be awesome if we were able to capture that creative spark of 1975, we know (with a good del of sadness) that we never will. The most world's most famous shark is born, and attempting a reboot of such an iconic movie would be like mining for gold in a sugar field. Impossible.
Come on, we've seen enough remakes by now to realise that making them is disaster waiting to happen. Move on Hollywood, studios will be making remakes of remakes next (something that would surprise me not in the slightest). Mark my words: movie remakes only serve to dilute the magic of the original.

Here are some personal favourites of mine that ought be left well alone:

American Ninja
They Live
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Cobra
Point Break
Commando

Mess with these 80s cult classics at thy peril! In fact, better yet, don't mess with them at all. Ever. Lest the ghost of the late Steve James (American Ninja's Cpl. Curtis Jackson) come back and karate some directors skulls.

When Dog Chews the Tale

As a gamer now for over three decades...hold on, let me say that again, gamer for over three decades gulp! *reaches for the Botox* It is fair to say that I have played more than my fair share of videogames. Ever since rescuing Xenon princess Roz in Zorgon's Revenge on the Oric 1 inbetween my half hearted attempts at homework, I was addicted (and despite what Daily Mail scribes would have you believe, videogames have never done me any harm).
During that time, I must have spent a gazillion hours shooting zombies, raiding toms and solving bizarre puzzles (cheers Silent Hill). And so its natural that from spending so much time with your pixelated hero/villain, a bond is forged. A bond which makes turning a successful game into an equally successful movie very difficult, and rarely is a director enough of an alchemist to pull it off. Indeed from all the game to film releases, it is only the Resident Evil movies that have held my interest (and even this is because I find them entertaining in their own right and not because they are equal to the cool of the videogames).
So when I heard about The Last of Us movie that is evidently in the works, my little 'ol heart, that heart which has shared many a nervous jump with Joel and Ellie, was not exactly thrilled. And who can blame me? I still shudder when anyone mentions Street Fighter and Kylie Minogue in the same sentence. And less said of Uwe Boll the better.
All the best men know. Even the genius that is Hideo Kojima, who is a major movie fan, will admit deep down to being a tad wary of turning his beloved Metal Gear Solid into a motion picture because he knows like the rest of us know, 9/10 films of games are garbage. Just drop the aforementioned Mr Boll's name into a conversation with Kojima san, you'll get the picture (or not if you happen to be Uwe Boll). Why do you think a MGS movie has not been made yet? Despite being offered multi million deals? Hideo understands man.
Like I said, we gamers forge a special bond with characters over many hours of play, and seeing those "magic moments" reduced to a 2 hour romp ruins it. Take games like Skyrim and Fallout 3 for example. How many hours do we spend in the company of our newly created badass? It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say 200+ hours. You go through many different challenges together, notching up a heroes portion of triumph (and deaths), and all personal to you the gamer. Were someone to come along and turn Skyrim into a fantasy film it would fail, and fail hard because none of your private victories would feature. All those little things you see/hear/feel as you clutch your controller and add up to make a unique overall experience is gone, replaced with a directors vision which so often feels like huge disappointment. No more hero than a bit part player relegated to the side lines, and to be blunt, it f**king SUCKS! Its almost like the movie is invading "our" space. (Similar to books but games go even deeper as they put YOU in the action).
So forgive my failure to get all hard and excited (ooer!) over another game-to-film cash grab, but history shows we videgame fans are always better off sticking with the game. We have too much time invested to see it be reduced a film extra.

Brat's Top 2013 Movies

Number 1: Yeah!

We had a lot of decent movies in dear old (or 'rotten old' depending on your year) 2013 and guess what? Yup that's right boyo, Brat News saw them all. We don't take entertainment lightly here you know. And things like this demand a list! So here is (in my humble opinion of course) the best of the Hollywood bunch, including those where I expected aceness but instead were lamest.


1. Dallas Buyers Club (A modern masterpiece)

2. Prisoners (Ace film, Ace)

3. Captain Phillips (Brilliant, tense cinema)

4. Killing Season/Machete Kills (Being cheeky with joint positions but hey, my list)

5. Rush (F1 Ace)



Close but no cigar ~

The Butler (Ooh suits you sir!)

Life of Pi (Surprise hit for this Brat)

2 Guns (Bang bang hot to trot)

Pain & Gain (What can I say? I love Wahlberg)

Would You Rather (Oh yes! Some fine horrortastic dares)


And here belongs the "I Iz Disappoint" movies ~

The Wolverine (Aww Hugh, you were doing so well with Prisoners)

The Sweeney (Utter shyte, Thaw spinning in grave)

Iron Man 3 (Needing WD40 methinks)

World War Z (Arm Pitt ruins an epic comic yarn)

VHS Kid X

Hot Scalding

Teenage lads these days have it easy with the rise of this faceless beast we call the internet. Whenever they fancy a gander at some pornography the XXX websites are all here, begging you for attention, simply click the I Am Over 18 button and you are in grot Heaven. Back in my day however (and yes I sound like my grandfather) it was much more difficult. And for a teenage lad of my huge appetite for porn, it wasn't as easy as not bothering. No hurdle was too high in my quest for high heels and sheer stockings. Determined dot com (but without the dot com.)
In those days you either acquired your filth via friends who had gotten hold of their fathers secret stash, stole it from the top shelf of a newsagents or found some hidden in some hedgerow in the countryside (no doubt left behind by some kind hearted, lusty old tramp.) I was quite lucky too in that at 15 I passed for 18 and rented some from the local olde video shoppe. (I also helped out at another video shop and often helped myself to the undercounter stuff when left alone.)

Reel Biz '13

Nice 'tache Leo

Until recently my love for cinema, the silver screen, had almost disappeared (forever I thought.) But thanks to the internet and its 'gubbins', my love has returned (mind you 'love' is a bit strong but hey ho as The Ramones would say.) Here are a few movies that have been blowing my sails (Ooer!) these last few days/weeks, and if you fancy some bloody good action (literally bloody with most) then grab yourself some sofa and beer and 'mow the reel' by pressing PLAY.

Dredd

An orgy of bullets and big guns. Director Pete Travis has gone for a more 'real' vision of Mega-City One and it almost looks like any US city, it certainly isn't the sprawling Mega-City that we're used to with the comics and Stallone film with 50ft high neon ads and busy traffic jams packed with flying cars. Dredd reminds me of Robocop. It has the same futuristic-but-not-quite buzz about it.

Django Unchained

Now while its a great film, its overly flabby and too long. 2 hours 40mins? F**k that sh!t Tarantino, you need to know when to clam that movie mouth. If he cut it to 2 hours and trimmed the fat off it would be my favourite Tarantino movie but as it stands I get fidgety after 120 minutes. Shame too because the characters are wonderful, as are some of the set pieces. And how much has Leonardo DiCaprio matured as an actor? He's come on in leaps and bounds from when he looked like a teenage lesbian in Titanic.


Gangster Squad

Whatever you might think of Sean Penn (and lets face it, the fella comes out with some daft things at times) put it aside and THIS MOVIE! Believe you me, you will not regret it, its f**king brilliant.

Ozombie: Bin Laden Returns!

This looks just the movie for a 'pop the beers' night! Zombie Taliban? It could be better than the zombie Nazis in Sno.

Panzram

Not a nice man

I first heard of Carl Panzram when I read 'Belly Of The Beast', a book by some convict or other that I picked randomly in the library. There was also a great movie made (starring James Woods as Panzram) which was based on a diary the killer wrote in prison. Chilling story and even more shocking are the things he said.

Carl Panzram quotes:

"I hate all the f*cking human race. I get a kick out of murdering people."

"In my lifetime I have murdered 21 human beings, I have committed thousands of burglaries, robberies, larcenies, arsons, and, last but not least, I have committed sodomy on more than 1,000 male human beings. For all these things I am not in the least bit sorry."

"I have no desire whatever to reform myself. My only desire is to reform people who try to reform me, and I believe the only way to reform people is to kill 'em. My motto is: Rob 'em all, rape 'em all, and kill 'em all."

"I sat down to think things over a bit. While I was sitting there, a little kid about eleven or twelve years old came bumming around. He was looking for something. He found it, too. I took him out to a gravel pit about one quarter miles away. I left him there, but first committed sodomy on him and then killed him. His brains were coming out of his ears when I left him, and he will never be any deader."

Check out the trailer for the film below and I recommend you Netflix the whole movie because you won't be disappointed. It never glamourizes the brutal thug (how on earth could they?) and pulls no punches.

Unofficial Queen Mary

70s porn icon



Playtime anyone?

Mary Millington was a pornographic star described as one of the hottest British sex film stars of the1970s. Sadly her time was short and she comitted suicide when she was just 33 years old. A very beautiful woman and to me there was something more to her than what she was famous for. She had 'soul', I can see it in her eyes.

R.I.P 'Queen' Mary ~ 30 November 1945 ~ 19 August 1979