Friday 26 July 2013

If God Made A Human



The shores of Shakespeare and Churchill this fat lad is not. Still, he has done a great deed and put me off beefburgers and red meat for life (and NO im not vegetarian.) Quite disgusting, a beast of the field would have better table manners I am sure. But remember, food is your friend; why it loves you truly, unlike those haters who say you are... overweight.

Plaque removed from artery. Fun huh?
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Friday 19 July 2013

VHS Kid X

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Hot Scalding

Teenage lads these days have it easy with the rise of this faceless beast we call the internet. Whenever they fancy a gander at some pornography the XXX websites are all here, begging you for attention, simply click the I Am Over 18 button and you are in grot Heaven. Back in my day however (and yes I sound like my grandfather) it was much more difficult. And for a teenage lad of my huge appetite for porn, it wasn't as easy as not bothering. No hurdle was too high in my quest for high heels and sheer stockings. Determined dot com (but without the dot com.)
In those days you either acquired your filth via friends who had gotten hold of their fathers secret stash, stole it from the top shelf of a newsagents or found some hidden in some hedgerow in the countryside (no doubt left behind by some kind hearted, lusty old tramp.) I was quite lucky too in that at 15 I passed for 18 and rented some from the local olde video shoppe. (I also helped out at another video shop and often helped myself to the undercounter stuff when left alone.)


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Thursday 18 July 2013

Gurk: the 8~bit RPG

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Gurk may sound like something you'd do after a few beers and a packet of pork scratchings but it actually has more to do with fighting goblin kings and orcs than boozing and swine themed snacks. Gurk is a 8-bit RPG developed by Larva Labs Ltd. and a spiffing game it is too! Just don't go expecting a role playing game with Bethesda sized realms because Skyrim it ain't (the clue is in the games full title.) Ive read quite a few grumbling reviews on Android Store by the Call Of Duty Kids who obviously hadn't a clue to what a 8-bit game was.
However if you happen to be a RetroHead™ like my good self, you just might find your (pixelated) heart skipping merry beats should you choose to get it for your smartphone or tablet. (Although being honest I would always go for the Gurk experience on my Nexus because I think a phone has too little a screen.) Its FREE too so you have nothing to lose.
So whats the lowdown? Lead a 3 man 'army' consisting of Sir Rugnar (knight) Feraldan (ranger/archer) and Gorlok (wizard) through 24 dungeon/forestry levels, scrapping with all kinds of beasties (23 unique types) as you go. And while Gurk might not be Oblivion in size, your party of medieval heroes do get to use 44 different items during their epic 8-bit quest. Not too shabby for what is essentially an RPG in your pocket.
The main objective in the game is to find the dragon Braka and do what every brave knight must do; turn it into a giant leather handbag. Braka is lurking in one of the dungeons but expect plenty of encounters with goblins, skeletons and orcs before you meet it. Good thing too because as is the way with RPGs, your party of fearless adventurers will need to level up their individual stats before taking on the evil dragon. After each fight, the nasties will drop gold and goodies which you can then use to buy weapons and other items in the shops that are dotted around the land. (I found giving Gorlok a Lifetouch spell particularly useful to replenish your crews health during/after a clash.)
The only (albeit minor) gripe I have is the lack of sound and when I say lack, I mean totally devoid. This my friends be a MUTE. You won't even hear the satisfying clash of sword against orc bone which does break the immersion a tad. But I can't really moan whe it does everything so well and when all is said and done, Gurk is a very charming RPG and if you fancy a little dungeon looting while waiting for the train, its perfect so bin that copy of The Sun you bought in the train shop and get downloading.


HOW TO BATTLE GURKA~STYLE

This goes for both games so I will explain here, sandwiched between the two. There are no gunfights or Tekken type brawls in Gurk. Battles are turn-based, a bit like a murderous Connect 4. Your guys have a move each, then the bad guys do, repeat until a victor emerges. And this in its nature makes every scrap a risk. You really do need to think; do you allow your bowman to pick enemies off from afar? Or get your knight stuck in like Hulk on cheap gin?
The first few encounters have you feeling vulnerable and weak but once you begin to level-up, gameplay changes and you start to feel more like Kratos than a noobish boy scout. You just won't fight like him (Gurk is more chess than God of War.)
By the way, if one of your party happens to get killed during a skirmish, don't go quitting the game. There are healing temples scattered throughout the land and they will magically restore life to your dead comrade. Cool huh?

**** GURK II ****

The sequel costs just 62p and before you ask, YES its worth it! Gurk II is both bigger and better, proudly showing off that sequel shine. It even has a cute medieval themed soundtrack this time around that accompanies your party on those ever perilous journeys into the wilderness.
Oh and you are not stuck with the same characters either. Tired of the funky wizard Gorlok? Then dump his ass for Gaelabeth. Bored of Sir Rugnar's tales arm wrestling dragons in ye olde tavern? Leave him in the pub and choose Lady Alwyn instead? There are 3 different knights/archers/wizards to choose from in all, each with their own suitably sounding 'Tolkienesque' name.
I have not hammered Gurk II yet but one major addition to the game is the use of ships to cross waters and venture further afield (whereas the original had you stranded in one place.) Overall it feels bigger and who knows what pixelate monstrosities will face our warriors this time around? I have already encountered a fireball spitting snake, and naturally those orc kings are back.

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Skeleton with giant match

Wednesday 17 July 2013

inFamous

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Baaa!

inFAMOUS (Playstation 3) is a great videogame, no doubt about that. Granted I was late to Cole MacGrath's party but when I saw it for a mere £5 in Game I snapped it up. Glad I did too because playing as a normal guy who suddenly finds himself with badass superpowers, able to leap around skyscrapers like Spider-Man and shoot powerful electricity from his hands, is tons of fun (and for a fiver I have no f**king business complaining anyway). The Reapers (the games bad guys) are cool too; faceless, hooded maniacs who plunder Empire city like psychopathic demons on a mission of utter carnage.
At first you start with minimal powers but as you progress they get stronger and you can also buy better superpowers to unleash total devastation on anyone fool enough to attempt to get in your way. Fancy a cyclone of electricity to the face? Can do! Or how about we suck the guts out of you with a bio-leech? Believe you me, playing Cole can be a very satisfying experience. But alas it can also be pretty frustrating due to the controls and considering how great the controls were in Sly Raccoon, another of developers Sucker Punch games its disappointing. Sure he climbs like a gibbon on amphetamine but whereas in Sly Raccoon you felt sure footed and confident in making high leaps, with inFAMOUS you don't. I often find myself unable to drop down for a few seconds and when chasing thugs across rooftops Cole occasionally decides to face a different direction. Like I said, frustrating! Especially as some of the missions are annoyingly timed affairs (hate timed missions) where every step is critical.
Thankfully these niggles are not game breakers and I can definitely see myself replaying this game as evil Cole. Yup that's right, you can either do good deeds like help injured citizens or be a total prick and mess up their day BIG STYLE (as if it wasn't already messed up enough thanks to those lunatic Reapers everywhere.) And these Good/Evil deeds have their own Karma points and ranks; on the Good side you rise from Guardian to Champion to Hero, while on the Bad, Darth Vadery side of the fence Cole goes from Thug to Outlaw to Infamous. There are different powers in both camps too so I will be needing to see what 'delights' being evil will bring. (Im actually shocked that ive not chosen the evil path on my first playthrough because in other videogames like Skyrim or Oblivion I find it difficult to be anything other than bad *cackles evilly* )

Tuesday 9 July 2013

Rambo Arcade

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I Want One!

Now as a rabid videogamer (don't worry, ive had my shots) who has been hitting the arcades since I was ten years old (thats 32 years almost) I have played some pretty awesome cabinets from Paperboy with its cool handlebar controls to the snazzy Uzi replica bolted onto Operation Wolf. But look at this! Can ye believe yer peepers? ITS ONLY A FULL BLOWN RAMBO ARCADE CABINET OF TOTALLY AWESOME!! Its even got exploding arrows (remember the film?) and a RAGE meter that fills each time you slot an enemy, until Rambo becomes an unkillable Hulk of Doom!

Sega please, for the love of all that is holy, get this beast over to the UK this f**king instant! I beg thee!

Thursday 4 July 2013

Clogged Arteries: Cholesterol & Plaque

Extremes? Anyone who knows me well knows how easily I jump from one extreme to the other. One minute im a grease addicted, booze swilling ogre content in ending my days ploughing down Heart Attack Avenue, and the next a health obsessed, vegan monk, happy with nothing more potent than water and spinach. I cannot 'do' middle road, I will die parading in the extremes. And this week? This week, to the relief of my internal organs, I am the monk. Ad because of this, I decided to scour the interwebs in order to gain some knowledge on keeping the heart healthy. Found some interesting stuff too, stuff I thought I would share here on my blog.

High cholesterol is one of the major risk factors for coronary artery disease, heart attacks, and strokes. It also appears to boost the risk of Alzheimer's disease. High cholesterol leads to a buildup of plaque that narrows the arteries. This is dangerous because it can restrict blood flow. If the blood supply to a part of the heart or brain is completely cut off, the result is a heart attack or stroke.




See the pic below? Looks like the cross section of vertebrate from someones spine right? Wrong, its actually the cross section of a heavily diseased and calcified coronary artery. Gulp! Look at all that build up of plaque (one of the most common cause of death worldwide.) Risk factors for the disease include poor diet, cigarette smoking, and stress.

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People older than 20 should have their cholesterol levels checked at least once every five years. This is done with a simple blood test known as a fasting lipoprotein profile. It measures the different forms of cholesterol that are circulating in your blood after you avoid eating for nine to 12 hours. The results show your levels of "bad" cholesterol, "good" cholesterol, and triglycerides.

'Bad' Cholesterol

Most of the cholesterol in the blood is carried by proteins called low density lipoproteins or LDL. This is known as the bad cholesterol because it combines with other substances to clog the arteries. A diet high in saturated fats and trans fats tends to raise the level of LDL cholesterol. For most people, an LDL score below 100 is healthy, but people with heart disease may need to aim even lower.

Good' Cholesterol

Up to a third of blood cholesterol is carried by high-density lipoproteins or HDL. This is called good cholesterol because it helps remove bad cholesterol, preventing it from building up inside the arteries. The higher the level of HDL cholesterol, the better. People with too little are more likely to develop heart disease. Eating healthy fats, such as olive oil, may help boost HDL cholesterol.

Diet changes offer a powerful way to fight high cholesterol. If you've ever wondered why some cereals claim to be heart-healthy, it's the fiber. The soluble fiber found in many foods helps reduce LDL, the bad cholesterol. Good sources of soluble fiber include whole-grain breads and cereals, oatmeal, fruits, dried fruits, vegetables, and legumes such as kidney beans.

No more than 35% of your daily calories should come from fat. But not all fats are equal. Saturated fats -- from animal products and tropical oils -- raise LDL cholesterol. Trans fats carry a double-whammy, boosting bad cholesterol, while lowering the good kind. These two bad fats are found in many baked goods, fried foods (doughnuts, fries, chips), stick margarine, and cookies. Unsaturated fats may lower LDL when combined with other healthy diet changes. They're found in avocados, olive oil, and peanut oil.

Some studies suggest garlic can knock a few percentage points off total cholesterol. But garlic pills can have side effects and may interact with medications. Other herbs that may reduce cholesterol and dissolve plaque include:

Garlic
Oats and Bran
Olive Oil
Fenugreek seeds
Artichoke leaf extract
Yarrow
Holy basil

Green tea can also protect heart arteries by keeping them flexible and relaxed, helping the organ from the ups and downs of constant changes in blood pressure. A study using this delicious herbal beverage showed that when doctors measured green tea drinkers' arteries a fortnight after a few weeks daily consumption of the tea, they found that their vessels were more dilated than they had been at the beginning of the study.
Apples are great too at reducing cholesterol too. Its all about the soluble fibre in them, fibre that binds with fats in the intestine, lowering your cholesterol levels. It also helps to slow the build up of pesky plaque in your arteries, preventing it from solidifying on your artery walls. I find myself eating three or four apples a day since learning this.
I also find it pretty satisfying to see videos like the one below, seeing that horrid plaque get removed. Ah the marvel of modern surgery, we are truly blessed to live in such an age.