Lego: Last Of Us

If this was from an actual game? Totally buy it I would. Sadly its not, BOO! But hats off to the creator of this awesome tribute video, its one of the best things ive seen all week. The Last Of Us Lego! Ace.

Earl Brat of Jams

The Next Gen Consoles

Xbox One (or XBone as its 'affectionately' become known to gamers) was released just 15 minutes ago. Playstation 4 out next week. But most gamers I know on forums are waiting until next year until they get one because there are still great games out for PS3. Oh and there are not many new titles worth the splurge, especially at £50 a pop :o Killzone is the only one I would be interested in. Watch Dogs too but thats been delayed.
Ive still got loads to finish myself: Sly Raccoon 4, Heavy Rain, Killzone 3, Hitman Absolution, Arkham Origins, Borderlands 2, Bioshock Infinite, Far Cry 3 etc, not to mention the awesome The Wolf Among Us series, so even though I will be getting a PS4 (I was offered a special exclusive deal) I can't see me playing much on it for its first few months of life.
The graphics jump this time around are not going to be as spectacular either. Gone are the days of SNES to Playstation 1 improvement, or even the PS2 to PS3 which still feels like yesterday (was only 2007 remember). Going from PS2 (still a [b]great[/b] console) to PS3 was very impressive; jaws were indeed dropped when Motorstorm first hit our screens after MGS3 or Hitman: Blood Money on PS2 (again still fantastic titles) but the PS4 and XBone don't look to be much different to what we have now. Oh the number crunchers will notice for sure but yer average player will not.

Arias Welsh Alt. (18)

POLICE LINE: DO NOT CROSS



WARNING: FRUITY F BOMBS THROUGHOUT!

Hymns and Arias is Welsh folk singer Max Boyces best known songs, sung at rugby matches up and down Wales. I thought I would 'spice' it up a little with some colourful F bombs. Just for a giggle, and see how my accent carried it off.

Web Blues

Convinced I am falling out of love with the internet. It used to be id log on eager to learn something new or thrilled at the prospect of getting involved in a forum debate, but all this is rapidly disappearing. The excitement is flakier than Dodo bones. Seems ive done it all, earned the tee shirt and now after a quick glance at online newspapers and a kickabout on social media, all I want to do is log off again. Probably long overdue.
You see Ive been online since 1999 and the days of the Sega Dreamcast. The Dream Arena was my first taste of chat rooms and message boards, it was the place I heard "LOL" for the first time. It was new, alien, a digital frontier waiting to be explored by hip young cowboys who preferred joysticks over six shooters. I couldn't wait to sign in, to escape the humdrum of real life and get sucked into a kind of virtual playground. That's how most of us saw the internet back then but fast forward almost 15 years to a place where Smartphones and Tablets are everyday devices, and 'LOL' is as commonly used as 'Thank You' and much has changed. I certainly have, and with it my attitude of the great WWW highway.
I just spend 20 minutes staring at the Yahoo screen in a miserable 'limbo', not knowing what to do next. Just sat letting the computer backlight hypnotise me into some kind of pause, a bit like being lost at sea. So tired of it all. I saw it coming a while ago when I noticed I was visiting forums less. Over the years I have made great friends on internet message boards, some really wonderful people who some I regard as part of an extended family (may sound odd to some but its true), but when even they could not inspire me to log on (it wasn't them, it was the internet) I knew there was trouble in paradise. Or trouble on Google.
And like I say, its not a people issue (although certain figures grate), its the internet itself; the endless words, the anonymous
hands hitting the keyboard, pop up adverts, everything dotcom feels flat.

Rambo Trilogy Game Trailer

Bring on the explosive bows!

Yo 1980s action movie fans, here's something to tickle yer guns! Bad ass Green Beret, John J. Rambo is coming to a current gen console near you next year (Jan 17th) thanks to British publisher Reef Entertainment. And despite all the naysayers predicting the game to be a sloppy and average affair, I personally think its going to be a blast. Admittedly im a Rambo fanboy who regularly cracks open one of the movies (even Rambo III) to accompany my Saturday night drinks, so I will be easier to please, but come on! Watch the video trailer avbove, even grumpy old Col. Trautman would think this game looks decent.

Craig Lewis, commercial director at Reef said: "We have big ambitions for Reef and the Rambo IP is the first step in establishing us as a worldwide player. Rambo will be a triple-A title on PS3, Xbox 360 and PC and will capture the gritty atmosphere and full-on action which made the Rambo movies so successful."

Let us hope so mate, I am positively drooling at the thought of being to able to play through the meatier bits of the Rambo trilogy, while guzzling a few (too many) brewskies. Hunting cops through dense forest? Raining down those explosive arrows on hapless soldiers in Vietnam? Pass the bandana and elephant sized survival knife, let's do this!

Robocop 2013

New Robocop trailer released. It actually looks as violent as the recent Dredd was, and I loved that movie. Of course time will tell if it really is any good but Keaton, Jackson and Oldman are all capable actors and shock, horror, unlike most of todays new breed of HollyBrats, I like all three. Check out the trailer below.

Id Buy That For A Dollar!!

Rest In Chopper

I must confess to having watched the movie "Chopper" over 20 times. Hey its a good movie, and everyone is interested in bad guys right? Well 99% of us are.
A few weeks before he died, Tara Brown sat down with Mark 'for his last ever interview. Here it is. Always admired him for refusing a liver transplant after he got liver cancer. He refused to agree to the procedure, stating that while a transplant would save him, he did not want one when an organ could be provided to someone else. Respect and rest in peace Chop Chop.

The Wolf Among Us

Bufkin on the lash

Wishing to live "happily ever after", the Fables, well known characters from folklore, are all living in the Bronx in a hidden community called Fabletown. Humans cannot see them because using magic spells called Glamour, they are able to live below the radar, and stay out of the clutches of the prison-like Farm. A good thing for both them and us. Im not sure how happy the average New Yorker would be living knowingly alongside the Big Bad Wolf, Snow White and Beowulf's Grendel. Now before you start thinking I had LSD for breakfast, this is the world of The Wolf Among Us, a game recently released by Telltale Games for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. And jolly great fun it is too!
If you ever played their previous offering, The Walking Dead, you will know the tune. Its a point-and-click affair, released in bite sized episodes and bathed in very stylish cel-shaded visuals. You'd better believe it, The Wolf Among Us, looks bloody gorgeous. And it plays pretty well too. So both thumbs UP then.
Unlike zombie mayhem however, this is a fairy tale murder mystery based on the Fables comic books written by Bill Willingham but because the characters are from stories like Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Pigs, it all feels instantly familiar even if you've never picked up Fables. You take on the role of ciggie loving, perma-stubbled Bigby Wolf, aka 'The Big Bad Wolf'. He's now sheriff of Fabletown, ordered by Snow White to keep the peace among the mythical creatures of this curious little world. That will be the 'Wolf Among Us' then. It reminds me of L.A. Noire, only the concept of this game is infinitely cooler. QTE's (Quick Time Events) pop up throughout fights in The Wolf Among Us but the jewel of the gameplay is being a detective and using the multiple choices on offer when questioning the colourful cast. Stay sharp wolfie, because the outcome of your Q+A can leave suspects having it away on their toes, or worse dead.
The Fables remember too. For instance if you act an azzhole to landlord Mr Toad (formerly of Wind In The Willows) his help will become limited. You may well have been the infamous Big Bad Wolf in a previous life but do you really want to behave like a dick now that you are supposedly reformed? Exactly. Mind you, there can be no denying there is something very satisfying about coming over all Dirty Harry at times. Its part of the fun.
The only grumble I have, and to be fair, its a minor one and not really worth fretting over, are the QTEs in fisticuffs. It feels too scripted and I would have preferred a more 'free' fighting method. Perhaps wading in like Grand Theft Auto? Quick Time Events can feel overly fussy, especially during insanely fast parts. And I like QTE as a rule. Its not awful, in fact you feel heroically smug after pulling off a flawless button mashing, its just that...well I fancied giving my old nemesis the Woodsman an old fashioned pasting like we were in a scene from Tekken. But as I say, this is just small fries compared to the big, meaty juice-fest burger that is the rest of The Wolf Among Us.
Of course the doubters will say that this title doesn't have the emotional impact of The Waking Dead with Clemy and Lee but I beg to differ (as always). There is a fairy tale serial killer on the loose for fudges sake! Someone lurking in the shadows and bumping off much loved childhood characters. Now come on, tell me if that doesn't tug on yer heartstrings just a wee bit? What kind of abominable evil would seek to kill Colin (Three Little Pigs) or Bufkin (winged monkey from Oz tales, now working as Fabletown's librarian)?
Of course reviewing a game after only one episode feels awkward because there is still much to do and see, and there is always the nagging doubt that things could go boobs up a few episodes in (which would be a major disappointment after such a stellar start). But I will live dangerously and predict that The Wolf Among Us will continue to drop jaws. The characters are brilliant, the game world fascinating, and its all woven into a wonderfully crafted story filled with potential. It would take a maggot of epic proportions to spoil this apple. Plus as a final deal breaker, each episode costs a mere £3.99. Four quid for roughly two glorious hours in an exciting new world! I am hooked as is my line and sinker. Pass the drinks Bufkin.

Brat score 5/5

GaGa Off (And the Death of Artists)

Much the same as GaGa is to fine eating

Whilst perusing the news online and digging through a prawn salad, I stumbled across this gem: Lady Gaga, one of the greatest pop stars of our age. What the jolly knockers? Or in iterwebs terms, WTF? Are you serious? Granted these silly words were written by some star struck little filly on Yahoo Gossip but surely its time for her medication? I hate pop music and all of the shiteness that goes with it, but Lady GaGa is NOT among its greatest. Not even close. I don't care how many followers she has on Twitter, or idiotic outfits she wears.
Whenever I think of great pop/rock artists I think of Bowie, Elvis, Hendrix, The Stones, Don Maclean, Pink Floyd, The Who, Springsteen, Led Zep, Paul Simon, Elton John, Bob Dylan. And even though I didn't like them personally, The Beatles and Queen. Are you SERIOUSLY going to try and put Lady f**king GaGa in amongst that lot? An internet term again, ROFL!! Get outta town! Don't be such a plank dear. GaGa isn't worthy of licking the dust off any of these truly greats' heels. She is nothing more than an attention seeking clothes horse trying to be as outrageous as possible every time she slides from a limousine. Like the fat kid in school, vying for applause. She isn't even good looking! I cannot comment on her voice as ive never heard her sing (I only listen to heavy metal radio and thankfully she's never played on that) but if her songs/singing can be judged on her clothes (which quite frankly are not that outrageous. Meat bikini? Yawn, a child dream that one up?) then it must be dreadful.
But this is how it will be from now on I am sad to inform you. The world has had its genuine greats now you see, there will be no more. The likes of The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, and even (for metalheads reading) Lemmy, will never be seen again. From now into eternity, the world will have to suffer the untalented likes of Lady GaGa, Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus. Those Godlike (mostly) British acts that kicked off in the 1960s will, like the Dodo, never walk this green and pleasant land again. But that unfortunately will not stop the youngsters trying to create the next big thing. Forget it kids, Jesus and Elvis both left the building.

Stay Alight (Wyse Games Ltd)

Its not often puzzle games on Smartphones and Tablets reel me in. Angry Birds had me playing for a short time but ive never even looked at the likes of Candy Crush Saga, or those word games people keep clogging up Facebook feeds with. Im a RetroHead afterall; give me the brilliant Arcade Box on my Nexus which allows gamers to play 1980s classics like Double Dragon, and I am happy as a schoolboy who just discovered his Dad's porn stash (come on, own up).
But a few days ago, I stumbled across the delightful Stay Alight by Wyse Games Ltd, and like the main character in the game, a light went on in my head. I was instantly impressed by the gorgeous graphics streaming out from my Tablet and the one-more-go feel of the game itself. So simple, so challenging! Its as perfect as perfection gets with these type of game. Ive seen Facebook friends get frustrated over other puzzlers on their Walls, but Stay Alight, while it certainly has annoying moments, never makes you want to drop kick your device into the Plasma tv. And believe you me, its an achievement to get me not to Hulk Smash.
So what gives? In one word: Stink. Germs and pollution have descended the world and our only hope is a little chap with a lightbulb for a head (who looks pretty neat). It works pretty much like Angry Birds: aim the arrow at an angle towards the germs and hurl balls of light at your grubby foes. As you progress, you will get different types of light balls that all have unique powers such as explosions or the ability to fragment. You also get a bulb headed chum to toss the balls to, when the angles get too awkward for you. It all works pretty well and the brilliant designs of each level will keep pushing you forward. Giant dolls heads appear, cassette tapes and stiletto heels, all adding a surreal feel to the game. It really does look the biz.
The first world (includes a whopping 60 levels) is free and you can purchase other worlds for a very reasonable 59p each. That to me is fantastic value for your dosh, especially when you consider how much thought and hard word Wyse Games put into this beautiful title. All in all, if you are a fan of puzzle games on Smartphones/Tablets, you'd be a fool to miss out on Stay Alight. A game that is easy on the eye, but harder on the brain.

Brat Score: 5/5

Junk Funk Food....Yeah.

Sometimes its all about the cheap treats (as opposed the cheap seats). Seriously, sometimes one just HAS TO forget about the Foie Gras and laverbread (Welsh caviar to Sir Dickie Burton)and dig in to some 'ordinary' grub. Don't tell me you don't hanker for it! MacDonalds, KFC, Burger King, the list of slop for the masses is never ending and if we are intent on going down THAT road, where salt and processed cheese are King (lazy hands be raised) then f**k it, lets get the best of the crap. Afterall if we are going to tie a napkin on shyte, we might at least enjoy it. Hot dogs. Crisps. Biscuits (im starting to feel sick). Value beefburgers. Battered sloth eyeballs. Mayonaise. Boiled sweets. Lets add to the poison and try and find the ultimate Snack 'O Terror. If we 're gonna clog those arteries, at least make it taste good eh?
And I have them baby! Cheesy turkey (turkey? Ya right) burgers! The Elizabeth Duke of fine dining. And ya wanna know sumfink? These buggers taste good for what they are. Seriously. Who knew you could brew salt and fox meat...sorry TURKEY *cough* and make a passable food? But they did! Ive just finished eaten TWO of these beauties and already feel my arteries clogging. Winning!

L'enfant Terrible

Appily....Marley's Ghost

I am slowly but oh so definitely getting bored with online apps and rubbish. All these passwords and connecting issues are grinding me down and like a fleet of foot vole, escaping the clutches of a hungry owl, I know feel what that owl feels. Now im not suddenly going to pack up my blogs and disappear offline, ive made too many friends to be able to do that, and besides, this is a convenient way of publishing my thoughts and ideas quickly. (And anyway. blogging isn't the issue here.) But the love IS draining out of me, I can feel it in my slowly-starting-to-drag fingertips. My eyeballs are strained by a glowing box, delivering vast slabs of information into my brain, and im thinking: is all this natural?
When I got to grips with my first Smartphone, and downloaded the slew of Applications (Apps), it was exciting like a whole new world opening up in front of me. I could find out ANYTHING I needed to know with a few simple dabs on the touchscreen, and it was extremely liberating but that sense of freedom quickly turned prison-like, a claustrophobic pit overloaded by too much news and information. Suddenly, from feeling like an omnipresent God able to summon whatever I needed at the touch of a button, I went to feeling like Satan himself, frozen in Dante's 9th Circle of Hell.
Now many readers will accuse me of exaggerating but its how I feel while sitting 'amongst' piles of smartphone applications. And half of them don't do not work which only serves to add to the anguish. The ratio has been tipped the other way, I know feel 20% happy and 80% frustrated by all these intrusive apps and technological gubbins; human being were not meant, I feel, to have all of this wizardy with so much ease. Nothing could be further from nature, and our souls are being corrupted (of this I have no doubt.)
And passwords! Oh the endless passwords! Nonsensical words made up from favourite sport team names and family birthdays. Every single thing needs a password, different to the last. Too short, too long, already taken, doesn't match up. The hellish passwords weighing us all down like the curse of Jacob Marley's ghost I am bored my dear friends and readers, it does not feel 'right' anymore.

Dodgy Kebabs

There can't be many British men (and women to a lesser degree) who, after 12 pints, a few shots of alcoholic sugar and bag of pork scratchings on a Saturday night, have not uttered the immortal words: "a fuggit, ahm fuggen starving, letsh go for a kebab!" Its a British weekend tradition; swaying on the counter of a local kebab shop with another dozen sweaty drunks, waiting for a Styrofoam tray of meat, lettuce, tomato, salmonella, onions and garlic sauce, before making your way home doing a fine impression of a pig in a trough. Pork? Lamb? Fox? Chicken? Who cares? Ahm Fuggen Starvo! So get it down ya neck mun.
We should care though because a worrying research has discovered that 1 in 20 kebabs carries a food poisoning risk from bugs such as salmonella, E.coli, staphylococcus aureus and Bacillus spp. Most kebab places were clean but 5% carried a health risk.

Seamus Heaney: A Huge Loss

As soon as my tea stained eyes fell upon these words, "Seamus Heaney, the Nobel Prize-winning Irish poet and playwright, has died," my heart gave a heave of sadness. Oh my words, what dreadful news to be met with after only a few clicks of the mouse. Especially for a fellow poet/playwright (though not as grand to put myself on Heaney's level) who looked on the Irish writer as a kind of Obi Wan Kenobi figure. One of the last living Master (capitol M) Scribe. What wretched news!
Life, you can be a swine at the best of times but today? Today you are double the pig.
I was fortunate enough to spend time with Seamus Heaney at a poetry reading in Swansea University back in 1998, and it was like being in the presence of someone who knew all the tricks. It was immense, like a film fan meeting Clint Eastwood if you changed the Arts. Believe me, you know when you are in the company of a great man, something in your spirit alerts you, and it was certainly true back in the Taliesin center all those years ago in Swansea.

'Tis a black day, losing such a genius poet when real poets are so rare in this world. I'll take leave to mourn and leave you with words by Seamus himself:

"Be advised my passport's green.
No glass of ours was ever raised
to toast the Queen."

The Spiked Barrel

Venture out into most big towns or cities on a weekend after 7pm, and you shall witness more flesh and public drunkenness than is needed to convince you that "getting lashed" (drunk) is now normal for the young and not so young. Its not only normal, its almost expected of you. Don't fancy drinking your own body weight in Jagerbombs, then puking half cooked kebabs in shop doorways? Then you sir/madam, are weird!
But it wasn't always like this. Look at that guy encased in a barrel in the sketch up there. Look fun? It was a spiked barrel too, just to make it you know, that much more uncomfortable. "Oh noes! What foul deed did this brigand commit? Murder? Treason?" Well no, this was the penalty for public drunkenness in Elizabethan times. Cool huh? What a sight it would be these days, we would need to chop the entire Amazonian rainforest to keep up with barrels! Our streets on a Friday night would be like the "Night of the Wooden Daleks".
Interesting how with the passing of time, our attitude towards alcohol can change. We are constantly evolving (and devolving in some instances) to suit the times.

Diana: Its All...Conspiracy

Scotland Yard to investigate whether Princess Diana was murdered?
I usually enjoy a good conspiracy theory, some are clever and very imaginative but the ones surrounding this accident are rubbish. Some are so weak they can produce some genuine Laugh Out Loud moments. First off, organising a car crash would NOT be an ideal way to get someone killed because very few people die in car wrecks. If it was, as suggested in some corners, a "hit" plotted by the military, they would have much more creative and sure fire methods at their disposal than causing a car crash. A vehicle wreck is loud, bold and attention grabbing. Hardly the ways of shadowy security forces.
We have already had three investigations into this tragedy, I cannot see the results of a fourth being any different; accident no foul play. Anyone with an ounce of common sense will have looked at the evidence before coming to the conclusion that there was never a shred of evidence to support the murder theory. This is why Al Fayed was laughed out of the inquest. The driver, Henri Paul, was DRUNK for crying out loud! And had been on the happy pills. He was driving at speed, at night, with paparazzi flash bulbs going off around the car. Its a miracle to me how he even got as far as the tunnel. I have never been so irresponsible to drive drunk, but I have tried cycling up my garden path after a few too many, and I didn't get 10 yards before I was in a hedge.
Add to all that the fact that none of the car's occupants was wearing a seatbelt, I cannot see how anyone would be tempted to believe it was anything other than a fatal crash. All these stories of mythical white cars disappearing from the scene, or claims that Diana was spotted standing up outside the mangled car, are just flights of fancy conjured up by fantasists. Maybe some cannot accept that a former Princess with the fairy tale wedding could die so horrifically in a French tunnel. Others are obsessed with conspiracy and the Illuminati who secretly control the world's affairs (so secret and powerful are they, that weirdos on the internet have them sussed.)
Me? Well like I have said, I usually enjoy a good conspiracy theory but regard them much like the Star Wars saga or any other work of fiction. To actually believe them? That's a tad desperate don't you think?

Expendables 3: Good News

Lurch is gone

Expendables 3 just got better now that its been revealed that Nic 'Crappy' Cage is OUT of the movie. Thank f**k for that, im not a huge fan of these movies, in my opinion they could have been so much better, but having lantern headed Cage in it would have killed it stone dead before it hit the track for me. Suffice to say, I am most definitely NOT a fan of Cage. "Leaving Las Vegas" was okay but I enjoyed that because of the subject it dealt with (alcoholism) rather than crumple chops' performance in the film. And Elizabeth Shue's spectacular ass of course.
Everything else this lump has ever done (and I must admit, ive not seen much of his work as he makes my skin crawl) is very meh. Average at best. And I can never forgive him for ruining Ghost Rider, one of my favourite comic book characters of all time. Con Air had a wonderful idea behind it until Cage appeared looking like the love child of Worzel Gummidge and Lurch from The Addams Family. Hearthrob he is NOT, good actor even less. Also these Expendables movies are all about 80s action legends for me (with some exceptions like Jason Statham) and the Gummidge/Lurch hybrid is not welcome. So when I read the news earlier that Expendables 3 would be knickerless (Nic-er-less geddit?) I was one happy motherf**ker.

The Vacant Helen Flapadumgums

Here be cobbles

Can somebody tell BratNews™ what on Atari's good, green earth is the tabloids fascination with ex Corrie actress, Helen Flanagan? And do pictures of her emerging bottle eyed from yet another tacky nightclub really deserve a daily place on your pages? This isn't some legendary Hollywood A-Lister, its just some lass who appeared in soap opera Coronation Street for a few years. Hardly Marilyn Monroe is she? (And in true wannabe fashion, Helen has a MM tattoo but that's as close to the icon's magic she will ever get.)
Look, im sure she's a nice girl and all, and its not her fault tabloid rags are so celebrity obsessed, but from where I stand, Flapadumgums Flanagan is nothing more than a pointless idiot trapped in the horrible world of minor celebrity. And it IS horrible. Genuine big hitters like Stallone or Depp going through a quiet phase? No problemo! Simply splash a few pictures of a lowly ex soap star (who should now be working in the local chippy) all over your grubby pages. Sorted! And how dim is Flapadumgums? She is so deluded, she thinks she has the greatest breasts the world has ever clapped its eyes on!!? LULZ Close the Twitter account love, you'll be taking those absurdly high heels and walking on water next.
If ever there was a poster child for worthless celebrity, Helen Flapadumgums is it. Well her and that foul Katie Price woman, who looks more and more like a collagen addicted hagfish every day.

Great Videogame Deaths

1. Sniper Wolf's death (Metal Gear Solid)



2. Lisa's death (Silent Hill)



3. Iwao Hazuki's death (Shenmue)

Itchy. Tasty...Evil 2

Pass the ketchup

Resident Evil 2 is one of my favourite videogames of all time. Even the rats gnawing on Mr Zombies leftover bones know this. I must have played it easily over 50 times (I went through a phase of playing it on a 'loop' once) but even though I have squeezed every possible ounce of thrill and enjoyment out of Resi 2, and know every alleyway and hidden secret better than the back of my hand, I can still pop it into my Playstation 2 or Dreamcast on any given moment and BLAM! I am hot for the undead hoards once more.
Playing Resident Evil 2 for me is like revisiting an old childhood park; a place which holds many cherished memories, suspended among the rusted iron, rising up from the warm gravel, waiting for me to get drowned in that comforting glow of the distant past. And no, im not exaggerating, this is really how it is for me. Its more than a game, its an experience and replaying it always sends me spinning back to a time when I had fewer responsibilities and those dear to me, who have long since passed away, were still here. Closer to boy than the man life forces one to become (some can be lucky mind.)

Resident Evil 2 memories:

1. Meeting creepy Chief Irons in his office, with the mayors dead daughter slumped on his desk.

2. Lighting the flare after coming off the sky tram and trying to get a last glimpse of the police station you'd fought so hard to escape from. I don't know why but this always shakes something in me.

3. Birkin "G" monster walking past/above you and Sherry in the sewers **shiver**

4. That pesky T-103 Tyrant stalking you throughout the game.

My PS2, Dreamcast copies & guide



Chief Irons has it under control...kinda

If God Made A Human

The shores of Shakespeare and Churchill this fat lad is not. Still, he has done a great deed and put me off beefburgers and red meat for life (and NO im not vegetarian.) Quite disgusting, a beast of the field would have better table manners I am sure. But remember, food is your friend; why it loves you truly, unlike those haters who say you are... overweight.

Plaque removed from artery. Fun huh?

VHS Kid X

Hot Scalding

Teenage lads these days have it easy with the rise of this faceless beast we call the internet. Whenever they fancy a gander at some pornography the XXX websites are all here, begging you for attention, simply click the I Am Over 18 button and you are in grot Heaven. Back in my day however (and yes I sound like my grandfather) it was much more difficult. And for a teenage lad of my huge appetite for porn, it wasn't as easy as not bothering. No hurdle was too high in my quest for high heels and sheer stockings. Determined dot com (but without the dot com.)
In those days you either acquired your filth via friends who had gotten hold of their fathers secret stash, stole it from the top shelf of a newsagents or found some hidden in some hedgerow in the countryside (no doubt left behind by some kind hearted, lusty old tramp.) I was quite lucky too in that at 15 I passed for 18 and rented some from the local olde video shoppe. (I also helped out at another video shop and often helped myself to the undercounter stuff when left alone.)

Gurk: the 8~bit RPG

Gurk may sound like something you'd do after a few beers and a packet of pork scratchings but it actually has more to do with fighting goblin kings and orcs than boozing and swine themed snacks. Gurk is a 8-bit RPG developed by Larva Labs Ltd. and a spiffing game it is too! Just don't go expecting a role playing game with Bethesda sized realms because Skyrim it ain't (the clue is in the games full title.) Ive read quite a few grumbling reviews on Android Store by the Call Of Duty Kids who obviously hadn't a clue to what a 8-bit game was.
However if you happen to be a RetroHead™ like my good self, you just might find your (pixelated) heart skipping merry beats should you choose to get it for your smartphone or tablet. (Although being honest I would always go for the Gurk experience on my Nexus because I think a phone has too little a screen.) Its FREE too so you have nothing to lose.
So whats the lowdown? Lead a 3 man 'army' consisting of Sir Rugnar (knight) Feraldan (ranger/archer) and Gorlok (wizard) through 24 dungeon/forestry levels, scrapping with all kinds of beasties (23 unique types) as you go. And while Gurk might not be Oblivion in size, your party of medieval heroes do get to use 44 different items during their epic 8-bit quest. Not too shabby for what is essentially an RPG in your pocket.
The main objective in the game is to find the dragon Braka and do what every brave knight must do; turn it into a giant leather handbag. Braka is lurking in one of the dungeons but expect plenty of encounters with goblins, skeletons and orcs before you meet it. Good thing too because as is the way with RPGs, your party of fearless adventurers will need to level up their individual stats before taking on the evil dragon. After each fight, the nasties will drop gold and goodies which you can then use to buy weapons and other items in the shops that are dotted around the land. (I found giving Gorlok a Lifetouch spell particularly useful to replenish your crews health during/after a clash.)
The only (albeit minor) gripe I have is the lack of sound and when I say lack, I mean totally devoid. This my friends be a MUTE. You won't even hear the satisfying clash of sword against orc bone which does break the immersion a tad. But I can't really moan whe it does everything so well and when all is said and done, Gurk is a very charming RPG and if you fancy a little dungeon looting while waiting for the train, its perfect so bin that copy of The Sun you bought in the train shop and get downloading.


HOW TO BATTLE GURKA~STYLE

This goes for both games so I will explain here, sandwiched between the two. There are no gunfights or Tekken type brawls in Gurk. Battles are turn-based, a bit like a murderous Connect 4. Your guys have a move each, then the bad guys do, repeat until a victor emerges. And this in its nature makes every scrap a risk. You really do need to think; do you allow your bowman to pick enemies off from afar? Or get your knight stuck in like Hulk on cheap gin?
The first few encounters have you feeling vulnerable and weak but once you begin to level-up, gameplay changes and you start to feel more like Kratos than a noobish boy scout. You just won't fight like him (Gurk is more chess than God of War.)
By the way, if one of your party happens to get killed during a skirmish, don't go quitting the game. There are healing temples scattered throughout the land and they will magically restore life to your dead comrade. Cool huh?

**** GURK II ****

The sequel costs just 62p and before you ask, YES its worth it! Gurk II is both bigger and better, proudly showing off that sequel shine. It even has a cute medieval themed soundtrack this time around that accompanies your party on those ever perilous journeys into the wilderness.
Oh and you are not stuck with the same characters either. Tired of the funky wizard Gorlok? Then dump his ass for Gaelabeth. Bored of Sir Rugnar's tales arm wrestling dragons in ye olde tavern? Leave him in the pub and choose Lady Alwyn instead? There are 3 different knights/archers/wizards to choose from in all, each with their own suitably sounding 'Tolkienesque' name.
I have not hammered Gurk II yet but one major addition to the game is the use of ships to cross waters and venture further afield (whereas the original had you stranded in one place.) Overall it feels bigger and who knows what pixelate monstrosities will face our warriors this time around? I have already encountered a fireball spitting snake, and naturally those orc kings are back.


Skeleton with giant match

inFamous

Baaa!

inFAMOUS (Playstation 3) is a great videogame, no doubt about that. Granted I was late to Cole MacGrath's party but when I saw it for a mere £5 in Game I snapped it up. Glad I did too because playing as a normal guy who suddenly finds himself with badass superpowers, able to leap around skyscrapers like Spider-Man and shoot powerful electricity from his hands, is tons of fun (and for a fiver I have no f**king business complaining anyway). The Reapers (the games bad guys) are cool too; faceless, hooded maniacs who plunder Empire city like psychopathic demons on a mission of utter carnage.
At first you start with minimal powers but as you progress they get stronger and you can also buy better superpowers to unleash total devastation on anyone fool enough to attempt to get in your way. Fancy a cyclone of electricity to the face? Can do! Or how about we suck the guts out of you with a bio-leech? Believe you me, playing Cole can be a very satisfying experience. But alas it can also be pretty frustrating due to the controls and considering how great the controls were in Sly Raccoon, another of developers Sucker Punch games its disappointing. Sure he climbs like a gibbon on amphetamine but whereas in Sly Raccoon you felt sure footed and confident in making high leaps, with inFAMOUS you don't. I often find myself unable to drop down for a few seconds and when chasing thugs across rooftops Cole occasionally decides to face a different direction. Like I said, frustrating! Especially as some of the missions are annoyingly timed affairs (hate timed missions) where every step is critical.
Thankfully these niggles are not game breakers and I can definitely see myself replaying this game as evil Cole. Yup that's right, you can either do good deeds like help injured citizens or be a total prick and mess up their day BIG STYLE (as if it wasn't already messed up enough thanks to those lunatic Reapers everywhere.) And these Good/Evil deeds have their own Karma points and ranks; on the Good side you rise from Guardian to Champion to Hero, while on the Bad, Darth Vadery side of the fence Cole goes from Thug to Outlaw to Infamous. There are different powers in both camps too so I will be needing to see what 'delights' being evil will bring. (Im actually shocked that ive not chosen the evil path on my first playthrough because in other videogames like Skyrim or Oblivion I find it difficult to be anything other than bad *cackles evilly* )

Rambo Arcade

I Want One!

Now as a rabid videogamer (don't worry, ive had my shots) who has been hitting the arcades since I was ten years old (thats 32 years almost) I have played some pretty awesome cabinets from Paperboy with its cool handlebar controls to the snazzy Uzi replica bolted onto Operation Wolf. But look at this! Can ye believe yer peepers? ITS ONLY A FULL BLOWN RAMBO ARCADE CABINET OF TOTALLY AWESOME!! Its even got exploding arrows (remember the film?) and a RAGE meter that fills each time you slot an enemy, until Rambo becomes an unkillable Hulk of Doom!

Sega please, for the love of all that is holy, get this beast over to the UK this f**king instant! I beg thee!

Clogged Arteries: Cholesterol & Plaque

Extremes? Anyone who knows me well knows how easily I jump from one extreme to the other. One minute im a grease addicted, booze swilling ogre content in ending my days ploughing down Heart Attack Avenue, and the next a health obsessed, vegan monk, happy with nothing more potent than water and spinach. I cannot 'do' middle road, I will die parading in the extremes. And this week? This week, to the relief of my internal organs, I am the monk. Ad because of this, I decided to scour the interwebs in order to gain some knowledge on keeping the heart healthy. Found some interesting stuff too, stuff I thought I would share here on my blog.

High cholesterol is one of the major risk factors for coronary artery disease, heart attacks, and strokes. It also appears to boost the risk of Alzheimer's disease. High cholesterol leads to a buildup of plaque that narrows the arteries. This is dangerous because it can restrict blood flow. If the blood supply to a part of the heart or brain is completely cut off, the result is a heart attack or stroke.




See the pic below? Looks like the cross section of vertebrate from someones spine right? Wrong, its actually the cross section of a heavily diseased and calcified coronary artery. Gulp! Look at all that build up of plaque (one of the most common cause of death worldwide.) Risk factors for the disease include poor diet, cigarette smoking, and stress.




People older than 20 should have their cholesterol levels checked at least once every five years. This is done with a simple blood test known as a fasting lipoprotein profile. It measures the different forms of cholesterol that are circulating in your blood after you avoid eating for nine to 12 hours. The results show your levels of "bad" cholesterol, "good" cholesterol, and triglycerides.

'Bad' Cholesterol

Most of the cholesterol in the blood is carried by proteins called low density lipoproteins or LDL. This is known as the bad cholesterol because it combines with other substances to clog the arteries. A diet high in saturated fats and trans fats tends to raise the level of LDL cholesterol. For most people, an LDL score below 100 is healthy, but people with heart disease may need to aim even lower.

Good' Cholesterol

Up to a third of blood cholesterol is carried by high-density lipoproteins or HDL. This is called good cholesterol because it helps remove bad cholesterol, preventing it from building up inside the arteries. The higher the level of HDL cholesterol, the better. People with too little are more likely to develop heart disease. Eating healthy fats, such as olive oil, may help boost HDL cholesterol.

Diet changes offer a powerful way to fight high cholesterol. If you've ever wondered why some cereals claim to be heart-healthy, it's the fiber. The soluble fiber found in many foods helps reduce LDL, the bad cholesterol. Good sources of soluble fiber include whole-grain breads and cereals, oatmeal, fruits, dried fruits, vegetables, and legumes such as kidney beans.

No more than 35% of your daily calories should come from fat. But not all fats are equal. Saturated fats -- from animal products and tropical oils -- raise LDL cholesterol. Trans fats carry a double-whammy, boosting bad cholesterol, while lowering the good kind. These two bad fats are found in many baked goods, fried foods (doughnuts, fries, chips), stick margarine, and cookies. Unsaturated fats may lower LDL when combined with other healthy diet changes. They're found in avocados, olive oil, and peanut oil.

Some studies suggest garlic can knock a few percentage points off total cholesterol. But garlic pills can have side effects and may interact with medications. Other herbs that may reduce cholesterol and dissolve plaque include:

Garlic
Oats and Bran
Olive Oil
Fenugreek seeds
Artichoke leaf extract
Yarrow
Holy basil

Green tea can also protect heart arteries by keeping them flexible and relaxed, helping the organ from the ups and downs of constant changes in blood pressure. A study using this delicious herbal beverage showed that when doctors measured green tea drinkers' arteries a fortnight after a few weeks daily consumption of the tea, they found that their vessels were more dilated than they had been at the beginning of the study.
Apples are great too at reducing cholesterol too. Its all about the soluble fibre in them, fibre that binds with fats in the intestine, lowering your cholesterol levels. It also helps to slow the build up of pesky plaque in your arteries, preventing it from solidifying on your artery walls. I find myself eating three or four apples a day since learning this.
I also find it pretty satisfying to see videos like the one below, seeing that horrid plaque get removed. Ah the marvel of modern surgery, we are truly blessed to live in such an age.

Razz Time: The Last Of Us

Downtown

Stand by for a fair bit of drooling and sickly praise because of having played The Last Of Us since its release, I am to add to the already bulging interwebs sack of praise. Honestly, Santa's sacks won't have anything on this one (ooer!) Ive even made a couple of videos for you dear readers, in the hope that you might hear some of the excitement in my voice. (Sorry about the quality, I still record vids the caveman way from television to phone.)



Fall



COMPLETED!

God Help Us

Hahahahaaaaaa !

God Help Us is something mortals always utter in times of grave danger but why should He/She? Serious question. Human beings are a selfish, greedy war obsessed race with a vanity unparalleled (word first used in 1594) by any other living thing. The average person will head to their grave satisfied as long as they and closest kin are happy, little thought spared for others so why should any Divine help be deserving?
The clever sculpt bombs, the wisest make excuses while the rest of us barge through life hunting anything weaker in order to wear or stuff into tins to eat at a later date. Blood? We are very good at spilling it, not to mention deceive and cheat it so answer me; why on earth would God throw us a line? Its all very well calling the devil the 'Great Deceiver' but look closer into the mirror to see how we can know that; the trickster knows its own! We recognise the devil because (and this will sting a bit) we ARE the devil, and hoist our bony pennons with unabashed shame.
And all the penicillin and pennies for the charity bucket will not buy us an hour of salvation. We are so puny that any alien will see through the lies and any god will see us naked.

The supreme arrogance of Mankind never fails to amuse me.

E3 2013: Playstation 4

Playstation4

After the dust settles on the heels of the much anticipated Playstation4 reveal last night at E3, its time to do as a million other websites/blogs are doing and chuck out some initial thoughts on Sony's new beast. I'll be honest, im not entirely thrilled by the design of PS4 but then XboxOne is none too pretty either, both reminding me of 1980s VCR players. Still, I buy games consoles for how they look on my television and not under it so I ain't going to be spitting my cider drenched dummy out.
Where it counts, Sony (in my opinion) nuked Microsoft clean out of the waters; no restrictions on game ownership (lend or sale), no 'must be hooked to the internet 24/7' guff in order to play or authenticate games and best of all Playstation4 will be £350 compared to the XboxOne's £429. Oh and PS4 will not have a creepy camera watching you all hours and there will be no online fees (unless you sign up for Playstation+.) More exclusive games for Sony's box of tricks too. Bonus!
In short Sony just finished Microsoft with a lethal fatality move.

Playstation press conference



But its really all about the GAMES and believe you me, there are quite a few impressive lookers vying for your cash. Ready at Dawn (they made God of War: Ghost of Sparta among others) has announced a new game, The Order 1886, which is a Victorian era steampunk horror (see trailer below.) Looks interesting, as does inFAMOUS Second Son from SuckerPunch. But the three that gave me the biggest horn were The Division, Assassin's Creed:Black Flag and racing game The Crew where the ENTIRE USA is your playground. You can supposedly drive from New York to Los Angeles, which is batsh!t awesome!
You can check all the trailers below.


The Division


The Order 1886


infamous Second Son


Batman: Arkham Origins

Juice Of The (Psycho) Gods

The doctor will see you now

See that handsome chap up there? His name is Dr Burnorium and I do believe that his "Hot Sauce Emporium", filled with deliciously hot sauces, might just have a shot at taking over the world. A place where wing sauce pours from taps, fiery snacks grow on trees and the sountrack is heavy metal (think Willy Wonka's factory only cooler but in a hot kind of way.) Accuse me of going OTT all you want but mock not lest ye try it, if you love hot sauce, you're gonna REALLY love Psycho Juice!


Habanero: Smash it on wings!


Red Savina

Dr Burnorium has quite a few to choose from too; first bottle I had was his Psycho Juice 70% Ghost Pepper which hit the spot, strong in flavour and heat. One thing the good doctor does well is keeping a good balance between heat and flavour. Ive tried many hot sauces and quite a few makers are guilty of sacrificing flavour for heat (in some instances they drown the flavour completely which is pointless in my opinion.) What on earth is the point of having a plate of delicious chicken wings if your gob is too numb to appreciate them?
Psycho Juice doesn't go down this route, and so far every sauce ive tried (4 and counting) from the range gets the balance smack banged to rights. It tastes amazing, takes every meal up a notch while still bringing plenty of heat to the table. And not wanting to go all Jaime Oliver on you, its all so versatile and can be used on everything from plain old beans on toast (hint: Red Savina does them up a treat) to salads and pasta dishes. (I smashed the Habanero Psycho Juice on my pasta earlier and it was all kinds of mighty f**king aces.)


Ghost Pepper Mustard

It has become more regular on my table than HP sauce and I kid thee not. I'm using Dr Burnorium's elixir of Greatness on virtually every meal (my melted organs can forgive me in the next life) and as a bonus he's a good chap to follow on Twitter too (@DrBurnorium.) Funny. Honest. Tells it like it is. But anyway enough ass kissing, there is a plate of chicken wings over there just begging to be smothered in Psycho Juice: Ghost Mustard (Goddamn this is a fine 10/10 sauce.)
So if you are happen to be a fan of hot sauces, and even if you're not, head on over to www.hotsauceemporium.co.uk and fill your basket with burny delicious treats. You will thank me later I promise you.

A gift box I bought recently

Sounds from Django

Reel Biz '13

Nice 'tache Leo

Until recently my love for cinema, the silver screen, had almost disappeared (forever I thought.) But thanks to the internet and its 'gubbins', my love has returned (mind you 'love' is a bit strong but hey ho as The Ramones would say.) Here are a few movies that have been blowing my sails (Ooer!) these last few days/weeks, and if you fancy some bloody good action (literally bloody with most) then grab yourself some sofa and beer and 'mow the reel' by pressing PLAY.

Dredd

An orgy of bullets and big guns. Director Pete Travis has gone for a more 'real' vision of Mega-City One and it almost looks like any US city, it certainly isn't the sprawling Mega-City that we're used to with the comics and Stallone film with 50ft high neon ads and busy traffic jams packed with flying cars. Dredd reminds me of Robocop. It has the same futuristic-but-not-quite buzz about it.

Django Unchained

Now while its a great film, its overly flabby and too long. 2 hours 40mins? F**k that sh!t Tarantino, you need to know when to clam that movie mouth. If he cut it to 2 hours and trimmed the fat off it would be my favourite Tarantino movie but as it stands I get fidgety after 120 minutes. Shame too because the characters are wonderful, as are some of the set pieces. And how much has Leonardo DiCaprio matured as an actor? He's come on in leaps and bounds from when he looked like a teenage lesbian in Titanic.


Gangster Squad

Whatever you might think of Sean Penn (and lets face it, the fella comes out with some daft things at times) put it aside and THIS MOVIE! Believe you me, you will not regret it, its f**king brilliant.

Whining Over the People's Nuts

Quit being an ass

So some woman has turned up on a radio station whining (as these types do) about 'lads mags' like FHM and Nuts, saying they ought to be taken off the shelves ASAP because it might offend some of the shops customers, and even be offensive to those working behind the till. Oh Get Real Woman! This is you infringing the retailer rights to sell these magazines just because YOU happen not to like it. Well tough, there are lots of things I dislike but I do not wish to have them banned. Oh and its not a matter of indecency or inequality either, its just YOU.
Stop trying to wave your flag for all people because the fact is, some folks want to buy Nuts and FHM (and no im not one of them even though I have my 'Hot Brats' over there on the right) and you cant stop them. You might not like whats inside but quite frankly thats your problem. I don't like garbage like Hello! and OK! but im not preaching like a soggy peach to some radio station. Honestly, people should be more offended by YOU rather than lads magazines.
Also, there is a little thing called the internet, you might want to look it up one day. Believe you me, there are things online that makes Nuts look like a prayer book. So my pretty lemon heart, no need to fret over gentlemen's glossy magazines offending your cotton socks, the heartless beast that is the highway of WWW has almost killed them off anyway so they probably won't be around much longer. I suppose when this happens, you will find something else to bleat about.

Sympathy For The Devil

Tamping mun!

After reading a few myths and legend stories recently, I have come around to wondering whether or not we may have got it wrong about the devil. Don't believe me? Check out the story behind the Devil's Bridge in Ceredigion for example. Local legend has it that 'ol Forked Tail built the bridge since the task was too difficult for mere mortals. So a deal was struck for the devil to knock up a bridge on the proviso that he would receive the soul of the first person who crossed it. Poor chap. (My local Chamber of Trade would never have allowed THAT deal *smiles*)
But alas the devil never did get his soul because he was tricked by an old lady. Seems she threw some crusty bread onto the newly built bridge, which caused her dog to go after it (who doesn't like crusty bread?) thus making it the first life to cross the 'Devil's Bridge'. What happened then is unknown but I should imagine the fallen angel looked a tad cross and muttering, "curses! Foiled again!" To himself as he walked away soulless.
And there are a lot of other similar tales of Satan, the supposed 'great deceiver' being hoodwinked by some wily mortal (usually an old crone or beggar.)

In Care of a Mortal Thread

Hedd, Perfaith Hedd

Such dreadful news this week when we heard of the mini bus crash on the M62 near Pontefract which killed one girl and seriously injured a dozen others (indeed the bride to be may never walk again.) On their merry way to celebrate a hen party, about as far from the thoughts of death as you could ever hope to be, and in an instant their world is cruelly shattered forever. A sobering jerk back into dreadful reality.
What a foul blow! How mercilessly each and every one of us are shadowed by death; a fragile thread which anchors us to life but at any second could end with less force than a sparrows heartbeat. One breeze less than the flicker of a flame. Such gentle turbulence that carries mortals onward through collared mists, on roads, on seas and valleys of wild woods.
This should serve as a reminder that however bad life may seem,

RIP Bethany Jones, may the softest lullabies sing you to your rest.

Cannibal Francis?

As you can see dear reader, I just burnt my knuckles on the grill but do you want to know something peculiar? The smell reminded me of pistachio nuts and chicken flavour crisps. Its true I say! Im holding my poor, hapless fist up to my snout right now as I type and the smell almost makes me hungry. Gulp! Hope im not turning into a cannibal? Or even worse I could have died and returned zombie?

The Fragile Mighty

Souls in the rain

What a dreadful week! Mr Jakes is happy as frothy ale to see its tail~end. First we had the sickening news of the Boston Marathon bombing, then we had the depressing funeral of Baroness Thatcher, and as a triple whammy (you know just make us feel extra secure in our mortality) we learned of a devastating explosion at a fertiliser plant in West Texas that killed 14 (at last count) and injured many, many more. Oh and breaking news as I type is that we are hearing of an earthquake in China where 124 have been killed and over 600 injured in the Sichuan province.
Dear me, how fragile are we? Mankind; all conquering with an unrivalled history of both destruction and creativity, (no beast could ever match our thirst for knowledge) and yet 'clothed' in mortal flesh that makes us as vulnerable as a cobweb in a meat grinder. Be grateful we possess a spirit that can seemingly withstand all the horrors the planet throws at us, or we would be crushed like mice under the mighty wing of an eagle. Of course life often reminds us just how puny we truly are, however much build and strengthen our kingdoms. We can never overcome unseen forces at work, as to Mother Nature we are but delicate babes in very mortal arms.

Each step a gift, each step into an unknown future which could meet End at any second.

Hitting the Realism Wall

Tabloid Hilarity

Comedy gold

Check out this cracking headline in todays The Sun.

Boy With No Name

Rewind sixty eight years to a poor boy who found himself like thousands of others in the army, shipped off to fight in a foreign land. He went over with the BEF and his regiment was part of the attack force that were got cut off in Belgium and ordered to dig in and fight so that the rest could get away. His best friend met a bullet to the head and was fortunately killed. Fortunate? Extremely so. The boy and his comrades fought on but were eventually taken prisoner.
Taken to a camp in Poland, the prisoners were tasked to dig coal. But the boy with no name was also assigned a dirtier job in the camp. A job that would put the weight of a dozen worlds onto a mortals shoulders. This job was to cut the throats of fellow prisoners who were informers on the Germans. Slice the bad bad piggies. Slice them unto bloody death throes and let the reaper do the rest.
He stole rotten food from the camps dustbins in order to keep his fellow captives fed. The reader should remember that stealing food, even mouldy garbage, was an offence punishable by being locked in a coffin in the ground.
When the Russians were getting close towards the end of the war, the prisoners of war were marched out into the snow and forced to
march a thousand kilometres until finally liberated in Germany by the British and Americans. Ah freedom! But the price of liberation for some might as well be a dagger to the stomach for on the road to freedom the jeep the boy with no name was travelling in, hit a land mind and he was badly injured.
Eight long months in a sterile basic hospital he stayed and brewed. The many things he witnessed could add desperate chapters to this story but our eyes should be trained to one misery at a time. After his wounds had healed sufficiently, the Army told him he would not be allowed to be demobbed like the rest of his comrades and so he had to pretend to be mad and they stuck him in the 'nuthouse' (psychiatric hospital we'd call them in these more forgiving times.) There he stayed, urinating into his cupped hands and tipping food over himself until they really believed he was a lunatic and finally set him free without so much as a thank you or a guiding hand.
What's a man like that going do? Not exactly working for the post office material so he did what most would do and said "b*ll*cks to the lot of them" and just got on in his own way. Thieving. Conning. Robbing his merry way through life. There's no excuse for it and I am sure he didn't want one. I don't condone it but nor do I condem it either. The boy (still with no name) just did what he thought was best and I can understand that.

Anyway, it's just a story I was told once.

Metal Gear Solid V

First, check out this awesome spanking brand new trailer of "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain". Oh Hideo Kojima, you have created such a strange but beautiful beast! The Metal Gear Solid series can be summed up in one word: ACE. It kicked off before its debut on the Playstation 1, but its on Sony's little box of tricks that it hooked me in to its kooky (not to mention dangerous) universe.
So as a big fan, the release of this trailer has certainly brightened up my day. One thing though; David Hayter is NOT the voice of Snake. Can it be? To fans, Hayter IS Solid Snake. I don't know about you guys, but im going to be taking this bit of news with a mega pinch of salt. Afterall, it could be merely smoke and mirrors from Hideo Kojima. He's quite fond of smoky mirrors.

JR

Internet Necking

"Schoolgirl, 14, found hanged after becoming upset when father confiscated her phone."

This was the rather depressing headline that greeted me upon waking this morning. And worryingly, its not the first story I have heard about teenagers killing themselves over a consficated phone. Then as if to underline my fears, somebody posted this under the story in the comments secrtion:

"My fiance's grandaughter was 10 last year. She has had a mobile phone for some years now and MUST take it with her wherever she goes, even at the dinner table she has to keep playing games on it. Whenever she is asked to leave it alone or put it away - she sulks big time."

When Sky Lights Scramble A Wired Brain

UFO? What I saw.

I am no fan of Star Trek and space capers so im not one quick to subscribe to stories of UFOs and alien abduction. Indeed much of it I look at as the crazy ramblings of drunkards and attention seekers, eager to find their way into those late night news slots after the important events have been covered and they're looking for light entertainment. Of course this doesn't necessarily mean I discard tales of "little green men" completely. In fact I honestly-to-my-bones don't believe we are alone in this universe, of course I don't, afterall the universe is a pretty vast place and there must be SOMETHING else out there, even its just different coloured grass. These has to be life elsewhere.
But I don't go around (like some do) believing that every strange light the the nighttime sky is down to E.T. Remember, the military have some pretty neat looking pieces of flying kit which can seem very alien to the civilian eye. Especially a civilian brought up on Star Wars and Dr Who. Imagination is a powerful thing, with no limit to the amount of weird images that can be conjured up. When the sun goes down, a science fiction fan can easily transform a Chinook helicopter into the Millenium Falcon. My minds eye is not as easily fooled.
However on the evening of November 17th, 2009 at around 11pm, I DID witness something strange in the sky. Admittedly one might put it down to the fact I had been at the scotch but I was not falling down drunk and seeing things. Also my wife was at my side and she rarely drinks. No this was something....different. If it convinced me it must have been because even when merry on whisky im not one to be persuaded by unicorns and yetis. As we both stood shocked, I couldn't quite orchestrate my thoughts. There was no fear (probably the booze helped there) and no instant panic. Just silence as we watched this craft hover for around two or three minutes. It was made all the more intense because we live on a hill in a very rural area so the only light came from this glassy looking beast, there are no other house lights, streetlights or traffic to catch and maybe confuse the eye.
Other people who have witnessed UFOs have reported hearing low humming sounds but there was no sound to this curious sight on a usually very uneventful Carmarthenshire hillside.
As for colours, I have always imagined UFOs to be neon green and red thanks to a spinning toy I had as a boy but as you can see in my shabbily drawn sketch (made on my computers painting programme) this one was mainly orange and yellow with streaks of light blue. The orange was most vivid and is most 'alive' im my mind when I picture it.
It disappeared as quickly as it arrived and left me, the cynic supreme, with a new appreciation of just how wild and wonderful this life, this universe is.

The Tonypandy Terror

‎It has been one hundred years today since the birth of Wales' finest boxers (or one of them), the Rhondda born fighter Tommy Farr. Known as the "Tonypandy Terror", he became British & Empire heavyweight champion on 15 March 1937. Few (re: none) would argue his deserved lofty place in the ranks of greatest British hevyweights.

On 30 August 1937, Tommy gained the respect of the boxing world when for a whopping purse of $60,000 (a huge amount in those days), he fought world heavyweight champion Joe Louis at Yankee Stadium in New York, and despite losing out due to a controversial points decision after 15 rounds, his place in sporting history was set forever. Never forget that the "Brown Bomber" (and these nicknames are delicious to a writer) was one of the greatest heavyweights of all time, who had knocked out 8 of his previous 9 opponents (and KO'd the next 7) but that mattered not a jot as the Bomber was mercilessly pumelled and hurt by the Terror in one of the hardest battles of his life.
The crowd thought Farr had won. And evidently referee Arthur Donovan did too because he was seen shaking Farr's hand after the bout, seemingly congratulating the Welsh fighter on a job well done. The 50,000 audience booed when Louis was awarded the narrow points decision.

Thanks to the wonders of video (with a nod to Youtube) you can watch it all here. Tommy Farr died in 1986 on St. David's Day aged 72.
Long live the Tonypandy Terror! Cymru Am Byth.

Falklands Remain British

The people of the Falkland Islands have voted overwhlemingly to remain British - with only three chosing "No" in a referendum !

Wise choice my friends, being British is a unique feeling. We had one of the planets biggest and most badass Empires dont forget. We brought far way lands civilzation, taught them how not to act like savages.
And we might tear into each other off during rugby etc but its banter, something other less fortunate countries fail to get. They dont understand our humour.
But know this, come times of war we would all fight shoulder to shoulder to defend our Isle. An island not invaded for a 1000 years.

Cry Me A Rivers

Joan was unavailable for photos

So Joan Rivers appeared on David Letterman’s show and called cockney songbird Adele fat. She joked: “What is her song? Rolling In The Deep? She should add Fried Chicken.” And our tabloids have rushed to Adele's defence like the guardians of morality they surely are *cough*
Excuse me but have they forgotten that Joan is a comedian and besides having a pop at others, she isn't afraid to include herself in the pizztaking and routinely pokes fun at herself. Let's not forget, Britain has birthed its fair share of near-the-knuckle comics from Monty Python to Bernard Manning. Go seek out out an early Manning show (probably on Youtube) and see for thyself, just make sure theres no ethnic minorities or even the elderly nearby.
I will be the first to admit that Joan was bang out of order with the Holocaust/Klum remark, that was totally wrong but her comments toward Adele were in my opinion pretty tame and although I can't speak for Adele, if it was me they were aimed at then I wouldn't have a problem. (And im sure the singer feels the same, afterall she's a Brit like me, we have thick skins and take the mickey out of each all the time.) Being called fat? No drama.
Folks ought to know by now that Ms Rivers has an acerbic wit and most annoying is the fact that Americans have nobody who is able to stand up to her with razor sharp repartee. Imagine a scenario of Joan and Sir Winston Churchill together onstage? That would be awesome to behold! Remember the exchanges between Sir Winnie and Lady Nancy Astor? Google them if you don't and you will see what I mean.

By the way I can't believe Joan was born in 1931. She looks fabulous for 79! Yes yes, we are all aware she has had cosmetic sugery but seriously, it doesn't bother me a jot. I think she looks stunning. In fact having just been browsing photos of her in younger days, Id say she looks better today. Good for Joan, and I for one applaud her sense of humour.

Playstation 4

Ubisoft's Watch Dogs

Wednesday 11pm saw gamers huddle around their laptops,iPads,etc to watch the live announcememt of Sony's new console, Playstation 4. And as a fan who has been the Playstation since it first surfaced back in 1995, I expected to be skipping on rainbows of ecstasy like a giddy schoolgirl by the end of it (forgetting the fact im now 41.) I dont care what anyone says, there is a curious thrill about the unveiling of a new videogame console. I was stunned by Wipeout (PS1), KO'd by Resident Evil 2 (PS2) and even swooned over Motorstorm when that hit Playstation 3 in 2007. Im not ashamed by this, its what you get if you give a boy an Oric 1 for Christmas in 1983.
So it is with great sadness that after admitting all of the above, the Playstation 4 announcementleft me slightly cold. Not quite sub zero cold, (more like tee shirt in March cold) but I was certainly not overheating in anticipation of pixelated rapture. I think it was all the talk of "social media" and sharing on Facebook/Twitter that did it. Sorry Sony but I just want to play VIDEOGAMES, im not in the least bit interested in posting scores on Facebook or challenging Twitter followers to online races. I simply want to slip a game into the console and smite weird beasties to kingdom come. Balls to Facebook. Im old fashioned like that. Its nothing new of course, theres already a ton of places on teh interwebz that use social networking sites to share folks interests, and fine some people like that kind of thing but it doesn't boil my kettle im afraid. (Reading comments on forums and underneath news stories about PS4, im not alone either.)
As for the Playstation 4 being able to predict what game you might be interested in and downloading it automatically? I hope we'll be able to disable that nonsense. (Im being dragged into the future kicking and screaming Laughs Out Loud.)
Thankfully things start to look up on the gaming side of things. This is why we're here afterall! 'Watch Dogs' got me most interested (see the trailer above) as did 'Killzone: Shadow Fall'. I didn't notice a huge difference graphically to PS3 (even when a Evolution developer waffled about "even the suede on the car seats has a direction") but as time goes on, game designers will learn how best to squeeze the most OOMPH out of the machine. We didn't get to see any sports titles (or was I asleep?) and I can't wait to see how a NFL or golf game looks on Playstation 4.
Unfortunately we also didn't get to see what the actual console looked like either so fanboys will have to make do with gawking at the new DualShock 4 joypad, complete with touchscreen and LED tracker. Looks a little rubbery but I quite like it. The screen on the pads front reminding me of the Dreamcast's VMU. Speaking of older consoles, as a RetroHead backwards compatabilty is important to me so I was a tad miffed to learn that PS1, 2 and 3 games will be available via Playstation 4’s cloud service. So no using my original copy of Tombi or Yakuza then? Bah! Happy they will be available in some form though.
I realise this started on a downer with the Facebook sharing side of things but I am quite excited about Playstation 4. Its just (obviously) not the mind blowing transition I experienced going from Oric to MegaDrive to Playstation back in those wilderness years.

Here are some games that we got a glimpse of:

Watch Dogs (Ubisoft)
Killzone: Shadow Fall (Guerrilla)
Diablo III (Blizzard)
DriveClub (Evolution)
Deep Down (Capcom)
Destiny (Bungie)


DriveClub

ArachnaCure

Not Race, Space

Space for rent?

On Twitter earlier I read a few posts where people are admitting they are genuinely frightened about the fact that next year up to 250,000 Romanian and Bulgarian immigrants could flood into Britain after access restrictions are lifted. Is the way we intend to go forward? Making our citizens fearful of the future that lies ahead?
I am not a racist, and 9/10 times you hear someone say this, you can almost guarantee that the next words to fall from their lips will be racist but not so today if you'll hear me out. In the 1990s I was part of the "End Racism: Live In A Colourful World" campaign, nd recently I stood up to racist bullies who were being horrid to my partners work colleague (her workmate is Filipino.)
Im as far from racist as the bottom of the ocean is to outer space but then immigration is not about race, its about space. Great Britain is a small island, an island that if we are not careful will have people spilling off the edge of our coasts. Where are all these homes going to go? Are we going to build skyscraper monstrosities and have them looming over the streets like giant bars casting depressing shadows? Our green and pleasant lands will have to make way for apartment blocks I suppose and wildlife be damned.
I fear we are reaching a sad chapter in British history, miserable times created not by people fearful of a foreign race (although one can't deny this is happening in some places) but more by the simple fact that islands have limits. It is impossible to try and stretch earth that it is not there. The only way to build would be up and then we will end up looking like 2000AD's Mega City One.

In The Colonies

And Even Concrete Changes

His Masters Voice

HMV is set to go into administration after 92 years and bang goes another big name store that holds memories from my youth. As a young metalhead I used to hang around outside the Swansea HMV in the quadrant with all the other headbangers, clutching our newly bought heavy metal vinyl/cassettes and discussing our 'scene'. Truly great times when it was a joy to go to Swansea.
But times they insist on change, demand it with a stubborn fist like a barfly ordering another scotch. Like the water in our oceans, nothing stays still not even steel and concrete. Our town and city centers are vastly different to how they were in the 1980s and its not just fashion that is making the difference. I fear that all that is going to be left open are pound shops and mobile phone 'bars', which is a reflection of how cheap we have become as a collective society. The 'hivemind' is targeted toward bargains, good things for less (largely due to the internet) and bricks and mortar shops suffer as a result.

Splitting Art from the Artist

In light of the The Despicable Saville revelations and all of the other rumours and accusations of sexual abuse by other famous names I thought it was time to approach the subject from a different angle; namely what does one do if one of the accused happens to be one of your own cultural heroes? What IS the right and proper thing to do? There have been a few recent rockstars and actors caught in this sordid web but what is a fans correct response? Burn the records/DVDS? Or is it possible to seperate the artist from the art?
I know someone who can still enjoy a certain directors films for example and think it fine to do so, but he can understand those who can't.

Undiluted Memories

Evil Dead 2013

Goretastic fun

When I hear of a classic horror movie remake (and you dont get much more classic than Evil Dead right?) I usually shake my head in disgust. I mean, we've been there, experienced the shocks from the original and moved on. Even if the reboot is any good our rose tinted memories will always favour the original, but this time I must shrug off my contempt for filmakers who try to cash in on past glories and admit: Evil Dead 2013 does look pretty darned good judging by that trailer up there. Theres no boomstick toting Ash this time but still, I personally don't feel disappointment in that fact.
Okay we've all been taken in and then burned by movie trailers before but this one is different, theres a definate buzz when you watch it, it 'feels' different if that makes any sense? I dunno, I might be just another Evil Dead fanboy who grew up loving the original and is now hoping to hell this works out to be at least better than recent shovelware horror remakes. Its co producers are Sam Raimi (writer, producer, director of the originals) and Bruce Campbell (who played Ash) so it already has better odds in being a success.
Lets hope so! Evil Dead is out on April 12th and you know what? Don't be suprised if you see me in the local Apollo.

A Christmas Gift Scam

The Dail Mail's story anout people selling unwanted Christmas presents on eBay is hardly a news story. Its a fraud and some sellers have done it for years - if you check their past listings and feedback you'll see they do the same thing again and again. They try to give people the idea that it's something worth a fair amount of money but in reality it's a load of cheap rubbish bought at a Poundshop. As the description was so vague, the buyer has no grounds to complain as they took the risk. If they really wanted to sell the stuff, don't you think they'd open it? Especially if they genuinely thought it was of value.